Nothing went according to my plan

by CB

I had an amazing pregnancy, no symptoms, just loved being pregnant. I planned my birth with my husband and midwife and decided to have a natural childbirth. I had it all played out in my mind. Unfortunately nothing went according to my plan.

Ten days before my due date, my blood pressure went way up and I was admitted to the hospital to be induced. They started with the cervical gel and the contractions began around 6:00pm. They were very easy and bearable. At 2:00am the nurse administered oxytocin to speed up the process and that is when things got very difficult. By 5:30am I was in agony. There seemed to be no break between the contractions. I couldn't focus to breathe and ended up asking for an epidural. I am still mad at myself for giving up and it has been 16 days.

At 5:00pm I was finally fully dilated and ready to push my son out into the world. Unfortunately that was also not to be. I pushed as hard as I could for 3 hours with no real progress. No one could figure out why he wasn't coming. At 8:20pm I gave up. I was exhausted and couldn't push any more so an obsetrician came in and pulled my son out of me with forceps causing a huge tear and requiring me to have a ton of stitches.

I hated my labour and delivery. It was not what I had planned or envisioned. Also, the pain and slow process of healing that has been taking place for the last couple of weeks have actually made it difficult for me to take care of my son. My disappointment has even coloured my recovery as I have a bit of post partum depression, something I never thought I would ever suffer from.