Still fearful though I am pregnant again

by Sky

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. My husband and I had decided we would try for a baby once my teaching job became permanent, which meant I could take up to 7 years maternity leave. I became pregnant the first month we tried and if was overjoyed at seeing the double lines right when my period was due.

 I was not cautious at all and continued teaching yoga and doing vigorous work outs at the gym. I then started spotting small amounts of brown and clear discharge which lasted all week. I didn't even think I could be miscarrying. I just assumed it was mild spotting. However, I started to feel like I had an incredibly bad flu. All my glands and lymph nodes ached and swelled, especially around my groin. All I could do was sleep and lay on the couch and I found it really hard to get up for work. I thought I better see the doc about it and at the same time mention my pregnancy and have it confirmed. I didn't put the two together, spotting and the flu-like symptoms.

The doc was concerned about both, and gave me a wee test for the pregnancy, which was a very faint positive. She was more concerned for the swollen lymph nodes and I had 6 vats of blood drawn from me to see if it was blood poisoning, glandular fever, etc, etc. Funnily enough my results were all fine which left the doc baffled. Still, the thought of miscarriage did not cross my mind until week 6 when after work I had bad cramping and heavy bleeding. During the night I went into emergency at the hospital where they could do nothing for me. I had to wait for the next day to get a scan at a larger hospital.

The woman doing the scan was a cold hearted creature who simply and bluntly pointed out that my uterus was 'empty' and if I hadn't told her I was 6 weeks pregnant she would never had thought it. My husband and I drove home in silence, until he started to drop the obvious clichés such as "better luck next time" and "oh well, I’m sure we'll have a healthy baby soon". I began shouting at him as I was so enraged by his ignorance and insensitivity. "Even if that's true, I don't want to hear it right now, my heart just can't accept all those shitty clichés. You sound like some stranger off the street!!"

I was so sad for weeks afterwards. My students and other family members did not know, so pretending to be happy when my head was full of angry questions was very hard.

When my sister became pregnant 2 months later, I was happy for her, but of course i was sad that things weren't happening for me, no matter how hard I wished for it.

I did get pregnant 5 months after the miscarriage but simply assumed it would not last, especially when I had an hour of slight bleeding. I cried all night and felt so doomed, but blood tests proved me wrong and as 4 weeks became 7 weeks, I became a little more hopeful. I chatted happily with my sister on the phone about getting tummies together!!

 My sister rang unexpectedly one night quite late. She was 11 weeks pregnant and bleeding. I was so worried for her, as she had lost a little girl twin soon after she was born with her first pregnancy. I tried to convince her and myself that it could be anything- placental bleeding, hormonal bleeding, but she got worse and ended up in the hospital that night. For 5 hours the doctors and nurses left her in extreme pain, telling her she was in labour and had to give birth. My sister was freaked out and the thought of doing this sent her into shock

They ended up giving her an anaesthetic and whilst she was knocked out, performing a D&C. Her baby had died at 9 weeks and she had been unaware. The tragedy of this event sent me into incredible doubt about my own pregnancy. The 2 miscarriages, hers and my own, had an severe negative effect; I felt like a car accident victim, who, whenever they get into a car, feels as though another accident is going to inevitably happen, I also felt that miscarriage was inevitable. I spoke to my sister every day and visited her until she felt better.

I’m going on 16 weeks into this pregnancy and I accept that like other women who have experienced miscarriage, pregnancy will always be filled with doubt and fear, until I am holding that warm bundle in my arms.